Here Are Some Words

for something which came about without our consent, life is an extraordinary burden to bear.

when i was young i remember lying in bed thinking about why [insert higher power of your choosing] chose to put me onto this earth, if it was all to end in darkness. how futile, i thought precociously, and while i’ve gotten older and a little more christopher hitchens, there are some days where that sentiment still echoes in the back of my mind.

the question “why?” is so deep and vast that it’s almost redundant to use those words as descriptors. the effort of it is enough to keep a person from asking anything at all. yet as we have been taught, knowledge is power-until we grow up and realize we have too much of it and not enough of the origin story to figure out how to use it in our best interest.

what a shame to find, as we grow, that what we hope for and what we have is often very different. how strange to realize that our expectations have abandoned us and that we are stumbling blindly, doing the best we can. how sad that we try so hard to mask our pain, no matter how inconsequential it may seem. some days, I am not okay. some days, I imagine you aren’t either.

so here’s where it gets tricky. do not succumb, but do not ignore what you feel deep inside you, which, can lead to a heady debate about soul versus body but this isn’t a death cab for cutie song and we’ve left the early 2000’s. I think we’ve (and here i correct myself because maybe it’s just i, i do not presume to speak for anyone other than myself, as i do not wish for anyone else to speak for me) sometimes lost sight of the fact that everything does not always have to be okay.

we are flawed. in our flaws we can find beauty. in our worries we can scrape together answers to questions we forgot to ask. and here i interject that i realize no one reads facebook notes anymore but this is cathartic and there are too many mean words on tumblr about the me from the past written by high school girls for that to be a safe space. sometimes you need to write to connect. with others. with yourself.

whichever it is, i hope it is for the greater good. i’m mostly concerned with the good. it’s sometimes too easy to forget that it’s there.